Lost in Translation

I’m in my first week back at work.
It’s scary how quickly I can slip back into old habits of working longer than I should. I pushed for a phased return, but I’m already working longer hours than agreed — not because I’m being asked to, but because the work is there, and I get fulfilment from it. That hit of self-worth just doesn’t come from anywhere else for me yet, until I change my habits.

But I’m being mindful. I checked myself earlier and logged off. I let others present when normally I would have pushed myself to do it. These small actions are signs of me making progress.

Maybe there’s a misalignment between my job and my values, which makes it harder. I should explore that. It’s the job I have, and I do enjoy it — and actually, I think it’s a good thing that I’m a bit uncomfortable in my current role. It means I’m motivated to write.

In my return-to-work meetings, I was asked to fill out a stress assessment — which felt stressful in itself. There were questions about support from your manager that were the hardest to answer. I want to be honest, but I also don’t want to upset anyone, which really feeds the people-pleaser in me.

Still, I was thoughtful and honest. I also asked if management fills one out from their perspective — and whether they felt they had the resources to support someone experiencing burnout. I asked this from a preventative point of view.

It turns out they don’t, and it hadn’t really been considered. Training wasn’t mentioned, nor was sharing a resource pack. The suggestion was that it’s up to “individual interpretation” and the “1:1 conversations” — and how well a report communicates how they’re feeling to their manager — since people have different levels of resilience.

While all of that is technically true, reading between the lines, it felt like they thought I hadn’t communicated effectively. I actually advocated for myself and said, “I’ve used the words ‘overwhelmed’ and ‘treading water’ in meetings before I went off.” I got a look — like a shrug.

That’s frustrating to me, because I did advocate for myself. And actually that is more than most with people who suffer with burnout. When you are burnt out, you don’t ask for help, that’s how it happens.

So to suggest it’s all up for interpretation… it feels like there needs to be some real reflection on how to ensure managers are prepared to recognise and support burnout in their line reports.

Anyway — I’m proud.
I did what I could with the capacity I had.
I advocated for myself.
And I suggested more training and resources to support mental wellbeing.