Mental Spiral - Divorce or Something Else

Today has been a spiral. And I don’t know why.

I fell over at netball last night and scraped both my arms. That might seem insignificant, but the physical pain on top of the emotional pain is making me feel even more vulnerable. It’s wild to me that I even play a team sport—when I was younger, I hated them. Team sports fed into my fear of letting people down if I didn’t play well.

In my 30s, I started playing netball and cricket, and that feeling still hasn’t gone away. I honestly don’t know if I say yes to playing for me or for the team. I think it’s for me. I see the huge benefits of team sport—camaraderie, resilience, connection. But it’s always the first thing I drop if work gets busy or if I’m not feeling mentally strong.

It’s a vicious cycle, because I know if I play, I’ll feel better.

Last night, I got bandaged up and went back on the court despite feeling emotionally and physically shaky. But as soon as I got to a safe space, I cried. It felt like the universe was forcing me to slow down—a physical representation of my mental state.

I had to tell work today that I need more time off. My gut was in knots. I felt sick, because I know I need the time—but I really don’t want to be unwell. I want to be the sharp, reliable person I’ve always been at work. I don’t know if I’ll get back to her—but I hope so.

Writing and sending that email felt like I was letting someone down. But if I didn’t send it, I’d be letting myself down. I just need a bit more time.

Divorce. FFS.

I asked my husband to leave 20 months ago. We don’t have children. We didn’t own the house together. But it has taken this long to get the divorce to the final stages. After two emotionally traumatic mediation meetings, we came to a financial agreement.

I remember someone telling me, “A good deal is when neither party is happy with the outcome.” Well, I am fucking livid with the outcome (I’m paying him, by the way), but to be free of the tie, I agreed to it. Still trying to fully accept it.

We’re now waiting for the judge to rubber-stamp it so it can be finalised. The state of limbo—and the lack of control—is overwhelming. Every time I get asked to fill out more paperwork or approve something, my mood plummets. I become irritable and distant. It’s horrible.

I am glad I have time off to engage with these feelings. It’s become so apparent that I was not allowing any space to actually feel them.

Despite today’s mental spiral, I’ve had a restorative day. I spent time with my sisters and nieces. I might look miserable while I’m with them, but I’m extremely grateful they accept me in my low mood.

You know what annoys me the most about mental health and stress?
I look put together.
I washed my hair. I’m wearing clean clothes. I have sunglasses on. I look well.

But I feel weak.
I feel low.
And I feel frustrated.

To the point that I’m almost glad I have a few scrapes to represent my mental state. At least there’s something I can point to and say: “I’m not okay.”

Tomorrow is a new day.

It’s been suggested to me that by giving space to negative feelings, I may actually start to heal. This is a brand-new concept for me. It’s like I’ve never considered that being negative could help me recover. But we have to feel the feelings—sit with them, accept that it’s tough.

I hope this negativity is short-lived.

As I write this, it’s impossible not to notice that I haven’t mentioned my grief. Today hasn’t been a grief day. There’s just too much else demanding my attention. But I know the grief is there, simmering quietly in the background, shaping my resilience and my reactions.

Ultimately, I’m proud of myself today.
I advocated for my mental well-being by taking more time.

Have you ever looked “well” but felt far from it? How do you give yourself permission to feel what needs to be felt? I’d love to hear from anyone navigating this kind of emotional unravelling.