Unwanted
Unwanted — but only by work
After a few moments of clarity last week, and with the divorce now finalised, I felt ready to return to work — not at full capacity, but on a phased basis. After three weeks off, I wanted to regain a sense of purpose and rebuild my confidence, especially as I’ve been feeling misunderstood and unsupported at work. I saw it as an opportunity to prove myself wrong.
However, my logging in and offering to return didn’t go down well — like a lead balloon, in fact. I was met with a demand to either provide evidence I was fit to return via a revised sick note, or stop working immediately and wait until my original Fit Note expired. When I say that made me feel horrible, it doesn’t even come close.
If it’s company policy, I can accept that — but no policy was shared. This, combined with the fact I’d previously been asked to work during my sick leave through handovers, emails, and meetings — when I was genuinely unwell — feels contradictory. I had explicitly said I wanted to return to support my recovery, and yet this response made it clear they didn’t want to support that process.
It’s another reminder that, no matter how much you’ve given to your employer in the past, you’re still just a number. And it’s not just about realising they don’t care — it’s about the detrimental impact that has on your recovery. I’m now riddled with anxiety about returning to work, especially with the added feelings of being shunned, undervalued, and that my mental health is the lowest priority on their list.
The thing is, I am a resilient person with a strong sense of values. But right now, I feel vulnerable, unwanted, and as though my best option might be to hand in my notice — a thought that had crossed my mind even before I was signed off sick, because I genuinely couldn’t see a way through. However, I don’t believe that’s the right solution.
I think there needs to be an honest, candid conversation about what went wrong and how we can better support employees dealing with stress. Under previous management, even while experiencing traumatic events, I was still able to work and feel supported. But when you’re faced with a poor manager — lacking experience or training — things can go downhill quickly, and that negatively affects everyone involved.
The result? I’m now signed off again this week. And instead of building in the supportive processes I know would help me recover, I’ve been given more time to overthink and spiral into worst-case scenarios — like being managed out.
But we know that kind of thinking is harmful to mental health. So I’m trying — really trying — to do the things that bring me joy and keep my mind from going to dark places: spending time with my sisters, meditating, reading, volunteering, swimming, and running. All the good stuff that helps me feel alive.
It’s also a reminder that work should always be secondary to real life. Work doesn’t care how I’m feeling — but my partner does. Work won’t give me the grace of listening to what I need — but my friends do. Work isn’t making me feel fulfilled (in fact, quite the opposite) — but my dog does!
The work of retraining the mind and establishing healthier thought patterns and habits continues.
