Validating Me

Healing is not linear.

My mood has been changing almost hourly: my confidence plummeting, moments of appreciation breaking through, anxiety rising, then a fleeting readiness to return to work—followed by the inability to walk up the stairs. And then the calm of cuddling my dog. That’s just this morning.

I’m still listening to The Joy of Saying No—the inner reflection it brings feels overwhelming at times, so I’m taking it slowly. Understanding the type of people pleaser I am, and reflecting on where I’ve tied my self-worth since childhood, is making me sad. Full disclosure: I’ve tied my worth to my job. I’ve done this since I was a teenager—seeking external validation from managers, allowing them to dictate my mood. How sad. What a painful realisation. My identity and self-worth are tethered to who I work for. Urgh.

I shouldn’t tie my self-worth to anyone. I should know that I am enough, as I am. But the truth is, the person I report into still has the most control over how I feel. What a frustrating realisation. But at least I know it now. I’m in my mid-thirties—there’s still time to unpick this deeply unhealthy pattern.

After reflecting on my authentic self and acknowledging I’ve been in paid work since I was 12, I’ve come to understand that’s when I first felt a sense of value. Fast-forward to the last three years, which have been personally traumatic. Until four months ago, I had managers who appreciated me verbally and encouraged my development. That fed my subconscious need for external validation—it made me feel happy.

But now, my current manager doesn’t offer the validation I crave. When I’ve tried to be transparent about the emotional burdens I’m carrying, I haven’t been met with empathy. I feel flat. I lose my ability to perform. Everything I sought in a manager is gone, and I’m left in the dark.

It’s honestly embarrassing to admit, let alone write—and now publish! But I’m glad I’m learning this now. My manager should not be the core source of my approval. That’s not sustainable.

And it’s not appropriate when I have so many incredible people in my life: two sisters who love me deeply, two nieces who I want to be a healthy role model for, a supportive new partner who’s walking this healing journey with me, and friends who cheer me on and create the joy and silliness that help me thrive. Plus a lively spaniel who injects enthusiasm and love into every day. I am privileged to have these connections and grateful for the abundance they bring.

This realisation was sparked by The Joy of Saying No and my use of AI to help summarise and explore my people-pleasing tendencies. Here are the five identified types:

• Gooding – Seeks approval by being seen as morally good or kind.
• Efforting – Tries to earn love and worth through hard work and over-functioning.
• Avoiding – Says yes to avoid conflict, discomfort, or emotional tension.
• Saving – Feels responsible for rescuing others and solving their problems.
• Suffering – Believes self-sacrifice is necessary to be accepted or loved.

You’ve probably guessed—I’m predominantly Efforting.

I then asked AI to generate a 10-question multiple choice quiz to help identify my style. That, combined with deeper reflection on my working relationships, led me to realise that I rely more on external validation from work than anything else in my life.

That’s why my mood has been swinging like a pendulum this week. I’m coordinating my return to work and not feeling valued—based on the responses I’m receiving. It’s a reminder that, to some organisations, you’re just an employee number. It shouldn’t be pushing me into unmanageable anxiety or crushing my confidence. I want to care less.

I know recognising this doesn’t mean I’m healed. But it is a significant step forward on my healing journey—and one I need to keep reminding myself of as I navigate my return to work.